Diabetes Does Truely Suck

I've had diabetes for about 20 years now. As I get older it becomes harder to maintain any sort of control over my sugar levels. My twin brother has essentially lost his battle with the disease. He's had his legs amputated, had quadruple bypass surgery and is on dialysis. I'm constantly in fear of winding up in his situation. I don't know how I'd deal with so many challenges at the same time. I don't know how he does it.

The obvious question is, "why not lose weight, pay more attention to your diet, and keep that from happening?" Good question. One my Endocrinologists has asked for the last 20 years. If only it were that easy to answer. Part of the answer is that I love to eat.

Eating has been a respite from my fears my whole life. Now I'm to the point where I eat when I'm sad, when I'm bored, when I'm lonely, when I'm scared. Not enough to be morbidly obese, just enough to play havoc with my sugars. Recently I've begun binge eating late at night. I've tried all sort of activities to keep me distracted, but I always seem to end up sitting on the recliner with a bag of chips, or scoop of ice cream, or whatever is handy, in my lap.

When I was a kid, eating before going to sleep was natural (in my house anyway). I ALWAYS had a snack before bedtime. I've changed that habit for My Daughter (MD). She is not allowed to have a snack before bedtime. I'm hoping this habit ends with me in the family.

A few months ago I started to feel tingling in my fingers and toes. A trip to the Dr. verified what I already knew. My neuropathy has advanced into nerve damage. I already can't stand for long because my legs go numb. Now it hurts to close my hands.

I've always needed to be hit by a 2x4 before realizing that action needed to be taken. In my brother's case, it was the heart attack. I often wonder whether it's gonna take heart attack to change my lifestyle. At least then I can tell myself, "why are you eating at 12:30 am? You had a heart attack you idiot".

When did I get this old?

Last week a friend of mine remarked "you look pretty good for someone who's nearly half a century". At the time I laughed, but later I stared at the mirror and asked myself "what the hell happened to the last 25 years of my life?" When did become nearly 50 years old? I remember when I thought I'd be dead by now.

I'm not complaining; I have a great wife, smart kid, nice house, stable job, money in the bank, but I don't know how I got here. I came to DC 25 years ago full of drive and ambition. I looked around at all of the "old folks" around the office and thought, "God, what happened to these people! Where's their drive; their ambition?".

Now I see the younger employees looking at me the same way and calling my "sir". I'm not a "sir"! My Dad was a "sir"! It seems that the older I get, the more I understand how those colleagues felt. I better understand the daily grind of having to reevaluate goals and realize that life is much more reactive than proactive.

It seems that I haven't so much created what I am as become it. Good and bad. I didn't get that promotion I worked so hard for. That project I headed was scrapped due to lack of budget. I find myself in middle management with little room for upward mobility. I don't want to move because I really enjoy what I do for 9 hours a day. I've accepted the situation because it's still better than what I had growing up and much better than those who just lost their job to this hideous economy.

So what does all this whining mean? I'm not sure. I guess I've chosen stability (an extremely lacking environment growing up) over more money and position. In DC that's not the best choice, but like I said, I'm not from here.